Still Not Beautiful.

Published May 25, 2013 by ashleyhannelore

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He told me that size didn’t matter. He said that your appearance had no affect on how you act or who you are. For a while I believed it and I was fine. I had no care in the world about my looks, whatever. But it’s so hard when you’re surrounded by people who can eat and do whatever they want and still look good. Then I do those things and it’s just not okay because of the size of my thighs. When everyone around me won’t talk to me because there is someone cuter, someone thinner. Someone better. And so food begins to repulse me. I stay away. I rid myself of every calorie because I want to be cuter and thinner. Better. And so the razor becomes very appealing. But it’s not like scars every made anyone better looking. Just dangerous to the people around me. At least that’s what they say. And so I make wishes on shooting stars to erase the day I was born, but it seems as if I’ve been mistaken because I am still here. So I take hold of that gun as my fingers brush the trigger and quickly yank it back. Society forced me to die for beauty and now I’m even uglier.

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2 comments on “Still Not Beautiful.

  • I wanted to comment because I have been where you are. I know you are probably thinking “Yeah, right.” but I can honestly understand. When I was 12 I began to hate what I saw in the mirror. I began to think awful thoughts to myself about my appearance. I stopped eating, and started exercising excessively. I became very, very sick and still didn’t see a problem with the harm I was causing myself, friends, and my family. I began cutting to subdue the pain I was feeling, the hunger pains, and the increasing depression and anxiety. But nothing helped. I just seemed to be getting worse mentally and emotionally, ultimately in a physical sense too. I had no energy, I treated friends and family horribly because I was always moody. I was miserable. – All of this to tell you that it isn’t worth it. I don’t know what you look like but I know you are beautiful. You don’t need to be a stick-skinny girl to be considered beautiful. Honestly, what I had to learn is it is what is on the inside that really matters. All of these people that may tell you that you need to lose weight are incorrect in every sense of the word. You were made the way you were for a reason. You shouldn’t have to change your appearance for people to love you because the people that truly love you are the ones that don’t give two licks about what pant size or shirt size you wear. You are beautiful. Don’t let someone’s ugly demeanor or bullying get the best of you because you are special no matter what anyone thinks. Trust me, I’ve been there. I still struggle with my reflection, but I have learned that what really matters isn’t my physical image. I know I don’t know you personally but this is honestly the truth. I hope the best for you and that you take this into consideration. I am here if you need anyone to talk to.

    Xx

  • That comment means so very much, you don’t even know it. I have too been here myself. It’s a difficult situation to deal with. I’ve also had eating disorders, I’ve cut, and I’ve attempted suicide. What you are telling me is exactly what I was feeling. I’ve just simply been down lately about it all. People make comments and as I’m sure you would know, it gets to you sometimes. I don’t do the things that I used to anymore, luckily. This wasn’t me saying that I was feeling quite that way, I just have been a bit down about my appearance. You seem like a wonderful person and I thank you so much for sharing this. It really will help a lot.

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